"Over the line!"*

[WARNING: This post contains language which some readers/listeners may find offensive.]

As anyone refined will tell you, good manners are dictated by the setting in which people interact. What is acceptable at McDonald's may not work at Chez Spendalot; behaviors that blend in at the supermarket may stand out at a funeral. Manners are situational.

Since this humble post is my first participation with the Greater Blogging Family in a Spin Cycle, I thought I should try to bring something unique to the table. Oh sure, I could ramble on about the importance of "please" and "thank you", holding the door open for ladies and the elderly, chewing with your mouth closed**, or not farting in church - but that's already well-covered ground. What about all the unique bits of etiquette and protocol your Mom never got around to teaching you - 'cause she didn't know the rules?

That's right - I'm taking about proper behavior in a bowling alley.

It's only fitting that this first attempt at participating in Spinnerdom should center around my old bowling team, the Spinners. These are the men who taught me everything I know about bowling alley protocols (that and watching Le Grande Lewbowski*** about a hundred and sixty-seven times).**** These sage Lotharios of the Lanes helped me to negotiate the ticklish twists and turns of a night out at the Family Fun Center.

The bowling alley presents a challenging setting for anyone striving to model appropriate behaviors. And trying to mind your manners after a few cocktails really ups the ante! So without further ado, let's look at few simple do's and don'ts of bowling alley manners.

1. Jim Styro says: Always be prepared to support your teammates with encouragement.

Remember - Amateur bowling is a team sport. To foster a healthy sense of competition, to inspire maximum effort in your comrades, and to continually engender a feeling of fellowship and brotherhood amongst the team, one must be prepared to offer words of support and constructive criticism at the appropriate moment.

For example:

- "Nice g*dd*mn cover, @$$hole!"
(Often used when a teammate has failed to convert on a spare)
- "Next time, pull your d*ck out of the ball."
(General tip shared after an errant roll)
- "Nobody misses the five pin!"
(Self explanatory)
- "The ball will be right back."
(Encouragement offered after a poor first ball in the frame)
- "Take it easy on the equipment!"
(Gentle reminder not to kick the ball return)

2. Jim Styro says: Being aware of your surroundings improves the experience for you and those around you.

A crowded bowling alley can present many different etiquette and safety challenges including:

- Waiting your turn.

(If you cut in front of the guy waiting to bowl on the lane to your immediate left or right, the results may include having a bowling ball pushed off the ball return into your path - or even someone's fist being smashed through the protective glass enclosure for a fire extinguisher.)

- Keeping all walkways clear.

(In the event a drunken brawl commences on a nearby lane, you should be prepared to use all necessary force in moving a teammate out of harm's way. Any beer bottles to be hurled during such an event -partially empty or otherwise- should have been purchased by the Hurler prior to hurling. Beer bottles of by-standers -innocent or otherwise- should not be used.)

- Never waving your piece around on the lanes. (Self-explanatory)

3. Jim Styro says: The bowler must monitor himself and his equipment at all times.

A bowling alley is an onslaught to the senses; an environment filled with noise, smoke, bodies and alchohol. To keep one's wits involves:

- Proper monitoring of liquids.

(This involves both the intake and evacuation of liquids - and their impact on readiness of both the bowler and his equipment. Remember - a wet bowling shoe is a dangerous bowling shoe!)

- Being prepared.

(You don't want to be caught at the snack bar, the toilet or putting a couple of bucks in for the Mystery drawing when your turn comes. The more time you spend bowling, the less time is left for the bar.)

- Being discrete.

(You never know when a guy on the opposing team will have his wife show up with their three elementary-school-age children. Hey - maybe they can learn a new word or two at the Family Fun Center? But hopefully not from you, the Well-Mannered Bowler.)

Following these (relatively) simple guidelines will make your night at the lanes entertaining, safe and (possibly even) genteel.

Anything's possible.

Take care.

*Apologies to everyone expecting a post entitled "Blogging: The writer as exhibitionist". I forgot about my intention to participate in the Spin Cycle today. I swear I'll post it soon.
**Just because I know the rule doesn't mean I can always follow the rule.
***WARNING: This link contains language that some may find offensive.
****"And it just keeps gettin' funner - every single time I see it!!"

RED WINGS PLAYOFF UPDATE:
Detroit vs. Columbus - Wings won the best of seven series, 4 - 0