Jim Styro's CO-MAS-19 Update, 2020-12-25 (The Photos of Christmas Past, Part 4)

Merry Christmas to All!

Since we've reached the big day, I going to keep this (relatively) brief.  I know (hope) you've got better things to do.

Today, I will present the earliest Christmas pix that I could find in my collection.  I was three years old (three and a half, I'm sure my 1966 self would want pointed out) and I believe these pictures were taken at my Grandma Wyatt's house.  Before I get to the Christmas photos, let me show you her picture. 

This photo of my Dad's Mother, Mena, and younger sister, Jeanine was taken in 1970.  As you probably surmised, Jeanine (age 24) is on the left.  Mena was 63 and would die the following year of emphysema.

Now let's get to Christmas 1966.  We're at my Grandma Wyatt's house with Dad's older brother, Don, and his family.  Don (age 39) is in the picture at the lower left with his eldest son, Don Jr. (he's about 7) and daughter, Susan (she's about 5) on the couch behind him.  You can also see the back of my head.

In the picture at the upper right, I am more prominently featured in my blue Christmas sweater.  I'm interested in the toy vehicles, Sue appears more interested in the television.

My Uncle Don's children were (and are) good-looking people - so they deserve a closer look.

And now I will offer evidence of the good-looking genes they inherited.  

First, a picture of my Aunt Yukie from the same Christmas visit, sitting with Grandma Wyatt.

And now my Aunt and Uncle together circa 1955...

They have now been married over 65 years!

Thanks to everyone who let me know that they enjoyed these pictures.  I intended to encourage folks to send me their favorite Christmas pictures in response - but I kept forgetting to include that request till now.  But it's not too late to send me a Christmas present.  All I want is your picture.

Take care and stay safe.

My Wife

She's beautiful.

The not yet Middle-Aged Woman (left) with her mom and sister, Jennifer

Beauty comes in many forms. There is a beauty unique to things we encounter that are fresh and unspoiled. The beauty of a child, of a young person whose faces seems untouched by worry, disappointment or age, of a flower in bloom, or a beach stretching into the distance - the sand untouched by anything but waves at the shore.

The MAW (age 8) in Spring 1972, First Communion

Physical beauty, though compelling, is transient. But beauty of the mind can be more lasting.

The MAW's senior year photo (1980)

She's smart.

When I first met the MAW, she looked as pictured above - long straight blond hair, a sweet smile, a nice figure, pale & pretty. We both competed on our high school's competitive speech team. I was the smart nerdy boy, extra skinny, with bad acne. She was a smart nerdy girl who hated high school sufficiently that she had decided to graduate in three years. The only girl my age that had ever shown interest in me [not the MAW] became my first girlfriend (we were set up by mutual friends to attend my Junior Prom). When the MAW returned after graduation to see the fall play, her autograph in my play program expressed an interest in me that was unexpected (although I won't say unhoped for). No one that smart and pretty had ever expressed an interest in me as an object of their not-just-as-friends-type affection. My first girlfriend didn't stand a chance.

The MAW's father, Hank, leads her into oblivion on her 22nd birthday (August 10, 1985)

She's devoted.

I proposed to the MAW the summer we both turned nineteen. I was spending the summer living with my grandparents in Evart, Michigan, because my family had moved to the suburbs of Chicago during my freshman year of college - and I had no desire to follow them. The MAW visited me there and we drove into Cadillac to be alone. I already knew that I wanted to be with her all the time - but there was no way to make that happen any time soon. But in a little park on the edge of Lake Cadillac, I asked her to marry me anyway - and she said yes.

The MAW, The Girl and me on the porch of our first home (1990)

She made beautiful babies.

I helped (as often as she would let me). Our first child did not come quickly. This troubled the (not yet) MAW at first - and greatly upset her later. But when the happy news came, it carried her through her first pregnancy like a champ. She had never seemed healthier. And The Girl was a wonderful first child; a (relatively) easy delivery [sure, that's easy for the guy to say - but the MAW would say the same thing; ask her], a happy baby and good sleeper with no health problems. Our dream of starting a family together had come true. I remember it as a golden time in our marriage.

The MAW, The Girl and The Boy (1995)

Admittedly, the second pregnancy was not so easy. It wasn't that there were a lot of medical complications particularly - but for the MAW, it wasn't much fun. She was wishing for the pregnancy to be over almost as soon as it had begun. But The Boy was, if anything, an even more cheerful baby than his sister. Perhaps not quite as good a sleeper - but he was healthy, with all the standard equipment intact. We had a matched set and agreed that our reproductive days would be behind us. But the golden time was over for awhile.

The MAW receives her degree with honors (2002)

She's a professional.

Once both of the kids were in school, the MAW struggled to determine what she wanted to do with her life. But once she settled on becoming a teacher, she excelled in everything she did. Perhaps more importantly, she seemed to love the work; deciding on the best way to convey information to students, working and interacting with the kids, developing new relationships with her mentors at the School of Education and (once she was hired into a full-time position) her teaching partners.

Our family (2004)

I can't explain why I love my wife. It's not something I can prove or quantify. I don't understand it really - and I don't intend to spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. The reasons I've listed above are all good reasons - but the explanation they provide is woefully incomplete somehow. My wife is a far more intelligent, talented and charismatic person than she has ever admitted to herself; it may be that in the past couple months she has come closer to realizing that than ever before.

The most recent photo I could find of the four of us together - with my Grandma (2006)

She's mine.

The past few years have been as difficult as any in our marriage. And I know they have been hard years for the MAW all around. Although there have been times when I didn't see how our marriage could go on as it was, I never had a desire to see it end - nor can I imagine feeling that way. I write all this because I do not take it for granted that our marriage - or any other - is indestructible. I think I understand more fully now than at any other time, just how fragile a relationship can be. I sometimes wonder how much of the foundation on which our marriage was built remains.

But fragile and weak are not the same thing. My love is strong - though it's not unconditional - and can cover "a multitude of (our) sins". My attraction to and desire for my wife are stronger than ever (that hasn't always been a good thing, actually - at times, a cause of much hurt and frustration for me over the years).

But enough of that noise - Today, we celebrate!

To my friend, my companion, my advisor, my lover - I say:

Happy Birthday, Snoplum.
Happy Anniversary, honey.
I love you.

Take care.

And don't forget to come back tomorrow for
The Middle-Age Woman's Guest Post
You won't want to miss that!

Would I lie to you?: Jim Styro's Meaning of Life, Part Eight

When last we went in search of the elusive Meaning of Life, we were confronting the distressing concept that those around us might not always have our best interests at heart. These situations frequently involve, if not outright lying, then at least the avoidance of full honesty. Avoiding the truth is, I believe, an ultimate happiness killer.

Let's take a look at some of the possible scenarios that could arise in failing to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To keep it simple, I'm going build each of these examples around a decision concerning whether to have children - something many couples consider at some point or other - and oftentimes can be a "deal breaker" in maintaining a relationship.

#1 - The "I know better" scenario

This is the one where both partners tell each they are on the same page (in our example, let's say they have decided to welcome little creatures into their lives) but one of the parties has decided that the time is not right to proceed. Or perhaps the husband doesn't really believe that having children is a good idea - but he's not telling his new bride that. He's just stalling in the belief that she will come to her senses and change her mind - because he knows better.

In these situations, I'm assuming that the deceptive party believes they truly have their partner's best interests in mind. "We don't have enough money for kids, we don't have the right house, we don't have enough time to spend together now - what will it be like with a child?" However valid these points may be, if the party that feels this way is unwilling to share their misgivings, hard times lay ahead. No matter how pure they may feel their motives are.

#2 - The "Kid Yourself" scenario

There are lots of ways that people feign agreement - and lots of reasons they do it. At it's most innocent, this involves agreeing to something without considering the implications. Let's say both parties truly believe they want the same thing - but only one party has thought about it enough to stay the course. The person that agrees without thinking may believe that they are "going along to get along" - but they are likely only deferring either an argument...or a betrayal.

Once circumstances present themselves which one or the other party hadn't envisioned - the situation could quickly turn into a scenario #1 (if , when confronted with what must be done to follow through on the previous agreement, one of the parties decides they know better) - but it could also turn into a scenario 3...

#3 - The "Lyin' A$$ B*tch" scenario

In this situation, of course, one of the parties (in our example, let's say the husband - since we all know men are scum) knows from the outset that they don't agree with their partner about a decision. They don't care whether or not the desires of the other party might be in the best interest of all concerned - they just know what they want - and they intend to try to get their way regardless.

So a guy wants to maintain a relationship with his lady; she wants a kid, he doesn't. He knows she'll dump him if he lets on he has no intention of procreating, so he puts her off. He lies. He makes excuses. He tries to create an environment where having children would be difficult or impossible. Years later, she either dumps him - or her biological clock has stopped ticking and she's screwed - but not pregnant.

I used having children for these examples - but you can fill in the blank with almost any major (or minor) decision that couples must struggle with. Buying a home, changing jobs, what school would be best for the kids - you name it.

How does any of this affect our journey towards the meaning of life? Hopefully, it gives us at least two insights that may be of use. It reminds us that we should not make commitments lightly, nor should we assume silence is assent (just because our partner didn't say "no", doesn't mean they would say "yes"). Discussion of important life decisions should encompass the details of what will be required to make the thing happen. And we need to pay more attention to what people do than what they say. If our partner's behaviors contradict their words, trouble is a-brewin'.

Relationships are hard enough when everyone is pulling in the same direction. When they're not, someone is going to suffer. And then, your only choice is: do you like your suffering long and drawn out - or short and sweet.

And these are not good choices. So - let's keep things on the up and up, shall we?

Take care.


RED WINGS PLAYOFF UPDATE:
The Stanley Cup Finals - Detroit vs. Pittsburgh
The Wings defeated the Penguins Saturday night by a score of 3-1.
Detroit leads best of seven series, 1 game to 0

Why marriage is so hard: Jim Styro's Meaning of Life, Part Four

Was there ever an endeavor so burdened by outrageous expectation as marriage?

And I'm not even talking about sex...* (OK, I'm going to keep my focus here.)

I think people have a hard time avoiding the fantasy that they can marry someone and change them into their "dream spouse" - and assume (whether they would admit it or not) that their beloved won't develop any new undesirable qualities under their watchful eye. Often, in this scenario, one party has a plan how they can "improve" their flawed partner and transform her/him more fully into the spouse of their dreams. If you aren't married yet - and this is your plan: Please sober up before you tie the knot. The harsh reality is: the cares of life are as likely to push a relationship apart as keep it together.

I'm sure all of this sounds pretty pessismistic - certainly not very romantic. And maybe that's the point. While I think romance is wonderful**, it's not very helpful in dealing with the day-to-day reality of marriage. Marriage is hard work - and if you enter into the arrangement thinking otherwise, you are at a definite disadvantage.

Let me put it this way: Marriage vows are a declaration of love without criteria. Love for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health.*** (Or as I like to put it: I don't love you because you're not an @$$hole - I love you in spite of the fact that you are an @$$hole.****)

That's why marriage is so hard. Even if you can control your initial expectations for this person - that you've chosen to be closest to in the whole world - how do you deal with the changes that time and experience will inevitably bring about? Particularly when those changes are for worse rather than better, or poorer rather than richer, or sicker rather than healthier?

Here's where the fact that love is not rational, that it can't be measured or proven comes into play. These qualties - that could be a detriment in other areas of life - become a distinct advantage in marriage. Because, if one of the unique aspects of love is its willingness to put the interests of the beloved first, then it helps us to understand how to bear the times in a relationship when our expectations are not being met. We can know, at least, that our spouse is not set out to undermine our happiness - because they desire the best for us, as we do for them.

Outside all but our closest relationships, there aren't many situations where we can count on other parties being more concerned with our well-being than ourselves. Imagine having this conversation with your boss:

"Hey, Boss"

"Good morning, Valued Employee"

"Boss, I know my timing isn't very good - but the birth of another child and my wife losing her job is really putting a strain on my finances. My wife is worried sick and life at home is really making it difficult for me to do my best here in the office. You know that I've been busting my hump just to make sure I don't get laid off. Any chance that you might be able to see your way clear to get me a small raise or a bonus?"

"Well, Valued Employee, I feel your pain. Perhaps I should take a temporary pay cut and free up a little money in the budget to get you that raise. I'll have to put a little less in my 401(K) or skip eating out so often - but you need that cash more than I do."

Once you pick yourself up off the floor and your sides stop hurting, remember this: The whole scenario of seeking the best for others rather than ourselves can only be sustained if that love is reciprocated. If our love is unrequited - if one side is always giving and the other taking - the dysfunction of that situation can only be sustained until the giver has nothing left.

If you find yourself in a situation like that, whatever fantasies you may have entertained at the outset of your relationship will need to be abandoned. Even our closest relationships should be able to bear the scrutiny of dispassionate reflection.

Love can't be taken - it must be given. But love that is not returned - or love that is rejected - will turn rotten, like manna from heaven (edible for one day only). If you find yourself in that situation, my advice is: find someone who can love you back.

And if you've found someone who loves you truly: return their love in kind - and keep them close for as long as you can.


Take care.


* Although I will be following this case closely. I don't think this guy stands a chance. Maybe if the ban had latest for a quarter or something. But a week? What a p*ssy! I hardly even notice anymore until after the first week has passed.
** I don't like to make many judgements about myself that I feel are better left to others. But I am very affectionate - quite the touchy, feely guy. I don't think that necessarily comes through much in my writing - 'cause I'm also a hard@$$. But my inclination is more in the direction of Chubby Hugs.
*** You made up your own wedding vows that left open larger loopholes, it may be that none of this post applies to you.
**** A statement which I have often applied to friendship - not marriage. My wife is like Mary Poppins.