An Open Letter To My Wife

[Editor's note: I both feared and somehow knew this day would come - once we were both blogging. I hope that you, Gentle Reader, will give me some license to use a bit of snark in writing about a topic I take deadly seriously.]

In the Middle-Aged Woman's other blog ('cause you can never have too many), she has recently posted about her dread of returning to work as a sixth-grade teacher. This is nothing new. We are fast approaching the one-year anniversary of Teaching Dread. When you still don't want to do something after a whole year, I think the warning lights and sirens are supposed to come on.

Anyway, on her other blog, the MAW said:

Husband feels this is simply another expression of my desire to do "something else." That whatever I find myself doing, what I want to be doing is "something else."

Although I have not been substantively misquoted, the quote is woefully incomplete - and therefore I don't feel that it accurately represents my thoughts or feelings on the topic.

But, Ladies and Gentlemen, isn't it convenient that I, too, have a blog*. So here's...The Rest Of The Story.

When the MAW first expressed to me** (three nights ago by time this is published) how she was starting to "freak out" over the idea of returning to work soon, she spoke primarily of her concerns that the procedures to eliminate her back pain had not yet borne full fruit (and whether they would ever do so) and that continued need for painkillers would also be a problem.
Because I'm a guy, I decided to ask at the outset of the conversation whether this was one of those times when I was supposed to listen and empathsize (I read somewhere that women really like that sometimes) or if my role was to offer suggestions, direct feedback, try to "fix it" (all the stuff guys just love to do; I think I read that somewhere too). The MAW said I should play it the way I felt it.

So toward the end of our conversation, after taking a few minutes to process all the "new sh*t [that had] come to light", I offered the following comment:
[It ain't verbatim - but it's good enough]

Well, I think your fear over returning to work has three primary components:

One part is the amount of anxiety you would be feeling about returning to school any year, under any circumstance. This is normal stuff - to be expected - don't let it get the best of you.

A second part is the worry resulting from your continuing back pain. But since the timetable outlined by the doctor for expecting full relief has not yet expired - and you won't have to return to work for a full two weeks after that - let's withholding judgement and continue to hope for the best. Still, you must be sure to share your anxiety over any on-going pain and the need for medication - as well as your fears regarding a full, pain-free recovery - when you see the doctor.

The last part is your continuing struggle with the desire to be doing "something else." It seems to be the general rule that, after a while, whatever you are doing ceases to be the thing that you want to be doing.

One more thing and I'll wrap this up. Around the time school let out, the MAW and I talked about whether she would return to teaching in the fall. Even before we spoke, she had let the school administration know that she didn't expect to be back. I told her at that time, if she couldn't or didn't wish to return, we'd just have to change our way of living in order to do without her salary.

So that's The Rest Of The Story. There's a lot more to come on this story, I'll bet. I, for one, am just full of ideas and opinions on the whole situation. Nurturing happiness, making and keeping commitments, dealing with pain and stress - it looks like I'm set for material on Meaning of Life posts for the foreseeable future.

Of course, living and blogging aren't the same thing. I guess we'll have to see just how close to one another they are.

Take care.


* Just this one - at least until Wednesday when I unleash a new blog upon an unsuspecting world with the inaugural edition of He Read / She Read! Actually, I'm hoping that the world - or at least some part of it - won't be completely unsuspecting. So please, tell your friends & plan to stop by and read it for yourself. Sprite's Keeper and I are hoping you will let us know what you think of it.

** The 2009 Edition of Teaching Dread

Jim Styro's Meaning Of Life: Part Two

(or - The Tools of the Trade-off)

Let me be my own devil's advocate for a minute:
Trade-off schmade-off! Who the hell says I can't or don't want to be happy all the time?!?!
This is America, dammit! I can be happy all the time if I want to!!!

I guess I would have to agree that perpetual happiness is at least a theorhetical possibility. However, I would still argue that, in the long run, it is neither practical nor desirable. Constant happiness is a practical impossibility for several reasons:

1. It presumes that you can control your circumstances and/or expectations to a degree that is improbable. In this mythical happiness-world, will no one close to you ever die? Or get sick? Will you never have an accident? Will you never be in pain? Will you always be in a position to do the things that you want to do - rather than compromise with what others want? Or will you just keep your expectations so low that disappointment is never risked?

2. It presumes that being happy all the time is good for you. But didn't you ever learn a valuable lesson as the result of a hardship? Could you have learned that lesson any other way than going through that difficulty? Aren't some of the qualities that we value most in others - dependability, strength, composure, maturity - aren't they developed in large part when we are forced to deal with adversity, to overcome an unanticipated challenge? Better yet - turn the question around and answer this: Is it your experience that people who always seem to get everything they want, who always seem get their way, who never seem to compromise or have to do without - are they people of good character? Do they possess qualities that you wish to emulate, that make them good role models? Are these people you would like to spend a lot of time with?

If your answers to these questions are similar to mine, then hopefully I've been able to substantiate my assertion from yesterday's post that happiness, while desirable, has its limitations. So, in our journey towards the MOL*, we've covered a couple of important trade-offs that we'll need to keep in mind.

• Increased risk/reward of high expectations vs. lower risk/reward of minimized expectations
• The potential benefit of building character through dealing with adversity vs. the destructive impact of constant, unrelenting hardships

Some have said that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger - but I don't necessarily believe that. Some difficult experiences will scar us in a way that no "character building" justification makes sense. Is there some way to rationalize how a young woman being raped can serve to make her a stronger person in the long run? Should I get hooked on heroin so that I can (hopefully) prove that my will is stronger than the chemical's hold on me? Should I put myself and those around me into intentionally stressful situations to test whether I can retain my composure in those circumstances?

It seems to me that no one needs to seek out trouble to prove their worth - each day has trouble enough of its own. But, hopefully, we can each find ways to minimize the difficulties we encounter. And, perhaps, be wise enough to make the kind of decisions that will increase the opportunities for happiness - both for ourselves and those around us.

KEEP IN MIND: There is no substitute for happiness. If you are unhappy, the fact that dealing with hardships and adversity have improved your character may be of little comfort. You'll be strong and dependable and mature and...unhappy. On the other hand, if your desire to always be happy leads you to shy away from tough decisions, to avoid sacrifice - even when your conscience tells you otherwise, to sever relationships - rather than do what the other person wants or needs...well, I don't think that whatever happiness you find will be long-lived. Or satisfying in the long run.

Before I close this chapter of our journey together, let me do what I told my wife (the Middle-Aged Woman) I would do.

Some things that make Jim Styro happy:

• Causing someone to smile or laugh
• Singing
• Finishing something difficult
• Reading scripture
• Enjoying a good piece of art - a book, a film, or an image that is uplifiting
• Big TVs

Most of the other things I thought of aren't appropriate to bring up in public.

Thanks for listening to this latest rant. I'm not sure how far we have to go to the MOL - but I think we're headed in the right direction.


Take care.


* Meaning of life

Vicarious victory: Expectations of the sports fan

Tonight, the National Hockey League's 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs begin in Detroit* - and the Red Wings will resume their quest for back-to-back championships. It is a time and place fraught with expectations higher than many of us have ever experienced. Imagine going to work in front of (literally) tens of thousands of people each night - and potentially hundreds of thousands more watching or listening around the country (or the world) - many of whom have piled their own expectations for vicarious victory on top of your own. There are no neutral observers - these people have paid serious money to come and watch you perform. They will cheer your successes - and be quick to jeer your mistakes and misfortunes.

I'm not asking you to feel sorry for a professional athlete paid millions of dollars to play a game. It's a job we'd all love to have - we say. But would we really find that the financial benefits compensated for the extraordinary pressure, the physical demands, the unrelenting second-guessing of the press and every know-it-all sports talk radio junkie in the city? We might like the paycheck - but I think few of us (and I do not include myself in the number) would thrive under those conditions.

Anyway, I'm not really that interested in talking about what athletes go through during "crunch time". I think it's way more interesting to think about what fans go through - or put themselves through (to be more precise) in observation and support of their favorite teams. Because - think about it - we have nothing invested in the outcome of these contests; except what we ourselves bring to the proverbial table and freely ante up based on our own unique motivations.

Those may be: civic pride, fidelity to a particular team or player, a wager, love of the sport, or (simply) habit. But whatever the reason, we offer up our support, our hopes, our expectations freely - with no external motivating factor, other than (maybe) a little peer pressure.**

I think some of us also use sports as a way to off-load our own hopes and dreams onto someone or something that (we unconsciously hope) will have more success with them than we have. Or at least can bear the burden of those expectations for awhile, so we can have a break. I grew more than a little uncomfortable at the overt display of this phenomena during the waning days of the NCAA tournament - when the Michigan State Spartans were converted by the media (and, of course, by some fans as well) from a basketball team into Detroit's and Michigan's one ray of hope and chance for salvation amongst the despair and poverty of America's economic downturn, blah blah blah blah blah...!

Hello - McFly?! These are KIDS! Very young men - playing a game. It was nice to watch them play so well - and to see that team reach its full potential. In fact, I think they performed some magic for a few nights and played beyond what most people expected (even their supporters - including me). It's a beautiful thing to see athletes rise to a new level - to go where you didn't expect they could go.***

Which brings us back to the Red Wings. They don't have that problem. Everybody (around here anyway) expects them to win the Stanley Cup. The guys on the team expect it too. And when your expectation is to be the best in the world, you're in a tight spot. There's little room for failure. It's all or nothing - all the time. The Wings have sustained an extremely high level of performance with that approach. And they have attracted great players who are willing to make LESS MONEY in order to, they hope, have a better shot at ultimate success.

I guess it all depends on what you want. As yesterday's post tried to illustrate: If happiness is your ultimate goal, be careful what you hope for. But if you want to be the best...

High expectations could really come in handy.

Take care.


*Anyone who wishes to point out that the playoffs actually began last night in Newark, Pittsburgh and Washington DC will be summarily ignored.
** This is especially true if you are male and live in a "sports town". I am and this is - but, thankfully, I'm nearly immune to peer pressure. (Years of practice.)
*** The Spartans overachieved - and got steamrolled by a better team. That's no shame - that's sports. But if you're looking for salvation and rays of hope - get to a church or some other place of worship quick; read a book on Mother Theresa or MLK or Gandhi; take a quiet walk in the forest and meditate. I don't suggest watching basketball.

Burdened by expectation

I've heard that this country is in decline because we keep lowering our standards. I hear we've grown accustomed to mediocrity - and have begun to accept it, even expect it - not only in those around us, but in ourselves. I can't even say that I disagree entirely with these sentiments (although any generalizations as sweeping as these are difficult to establish with facts and measurable data) - But...

Even if I might tend to agree with these ideas, there is another aspect of any discussion on standards and expectation that I think must be considered; another perspective that I know absolutely - without need of statistics or expert testimony - to be true. I know it's true because I have experienced it myself time and again - and have seen it played out in the lives of those around me.

The road to unhappiness is paved with unmet expectations.

Now don't go jumping to conclusions on me - because, due to the folly of human nature, the reverse is NOT true: Meeting all expectations will not necessarily make you happy. Being happy is a whole different discussion (or, possibly, post) - which I don't intend to address here. For today, let's stick with considering the relationship between expectations and happiness.

In simplest terms*, I would express the relationship in this way:

The expectation of a good thing happening to me - has a direct relationship to my unhappiness (if the expectation is not met) and an inverse relationship to my happiness (if the expectation is met).

Let's say that again in a different way:

The more I expect a good thing to happen to me, the more unhappiness I will experience if that thing does not happen.

And likewise -

The more I expect a good thing to happen to me, the less happiness I will experience if that thing does happen (after all, I was expecting it to happen).

Or, to put it one more way -

The more unexpected a good thing is, the happier I will be if
it occurs. (Who doesn't like a pleasant surprise?)

If you agree with the basic premise, you can see that greater expectations have the overall impact of increasing unhappiness and decreasing happiness. On the street, we call that a lose-lose situation.

I know I haven't discussed the impact of bad things happening - either expected or unexpected - but I think our reaction to those incidents is more complicated than I'll have time for in this post. Besides, the starting point for this rant was examining how the establishment of standards and expectations affects our happiness. That is, does setting goals and making plans for the future tend to make us happy or unhappy? Within that framework, addressing the impact of bad things happening doesn't seem relevant. I mean - who makes plans for bad things to happen? [Today, I will drive the car into a tree.] Or who sets a goal of breaking their leg in three places? [Broken in merely two places will not suffice, dammit!]

So - does all this mean that I think people should avoid having goals, setting standards, and making plans? No way.

But I do think we need to keep those things in perspective. And realize that they may be driving us crazy instead of enriching our lives.

I expect that I may have more to say on the topic of expectations. (DOH!)
Don't know whether you should expect it tomorrow though. I might have to post about hockey. Playoff hockey. In Detroit.

What am I saying: Of course, I'll be posting more about expectations tomorrow. Who could be more burdened with expectations than a Detroit hockey fan in April?

Take care.


*It actually sounds like a damn logic text book - but it was the best I could do.